Revealed! Your Secret to Being The Best Version of Yourself As Taught By My Mother’s Oxygen Magazine Subscription in 2008 (see results in just 27 days!)

​

Hey babes, it’s time to whittle your middle

circumcise your thighs

melt your belly fat to better fit that belt from college,

the striped one you haven’t thrown away yet (and good for you!)

build your best body 

with 12 simple steps or

one easy drink 

which you need to drink thirteen times daily—

and can count on as many bathroom visits!

get on your knees and pray to your god

(any god)

that you’ll look a little bit better just in time 

for your family visit this summer 

because you don’t look like you did when you moved away 

and you might be right that they liked you better then

​

​

​

Breakfast

​

a few almonds

a string cheese or a fistful of grapes 

a kiss, or banana pancakes

           if it's a weekend

hot sauce-drenched eggs,

bagels, or self-loathing

a cup of coffee that stains your table

immortalized in the fake wood grain’s collage of rings

 

a smile on the bus

or some peanut butter, crunchy, on bread, homemade 

by a neighbor who brought it unprompted 

because she was thinking about you 

and all that you’ve lost